Knock knock

The other day I had a very interesting experience. I was in my bedroom, rocking out to some Lady Gaga* and generally enjoying an afternoon home alone. All of a sudden, my puppy starts barking. He only barks when vagrants (or visitors) wander onto our property. So I knew I had a few possible options:

• Another dog
• The pheasant 
• Some type of feline
• The voices in his head
• Another form of human life

So, I turned down the Gaga& ran to check it out. In my sheer excitement that it might be some type of wild animal in my yard, I forgot something important. It might be Mormons.  Dead halt. What do I do? Do I duck down behind the door& hope they didn't see me? No. We've made eye contact. Oh, snap. So I walk up the stairs with my rocking out moments a sheer memory& prepare myself to answer all sorts of awkward questions about why I don't have Jesus in my heart. Can you tell how much I am dreading this?

So they asked me if I had ever been visited by Mormons before& I say yes but not in quite some time. Perhaps the fact that my town is godless& ghetto scares them away? They laugh nervously, shift their weight& ask me if I have ever considered letting God in. I tell the story about that time I walked out of church on Christmas Eve all the way to my house in the snowy cold. It was a lovely walk& I figured if Jesus was ever going to strike me down, it would have been while I was walking alone on a dark street on his day of birth.

Hey, if I have to feel awkward being asked these questions, you can certainly bet I'm going to make them feel awkward right back! These 2 guys, however, were young (15,16)and so I felt a little bad. I managed to somehow change the topic from god. I am that good.

Here is a short summary of our topic after that initial intro-
 

1. Being polite
2. My dog& his story
3. The water temperature
4. The lost art of being kind
5. The beach& how to get there
6. If I needed any help while they were there
7. My blog (no, seriously. I told them I'd blog about them)

An interesting 45 minute conversation ..they were very sweet so I can't say that the dread I had was entirely accurate. When it came time for them to move forward to their next victim house, there was that awkward moment where they gave me a business card for Jesus& I didn't have one to give them back for HalfPastWonderful. Sad day but it reminded me of something really important- I'm going to need some business cards. Even Jesus has some& he's been dead for 2011 years& 9 months. I am behind the times. Planning some awesome business cards later. They really would have been checking my blog to see what I wrote about them but honestly? All I can say is good things. While I don't agree with going around door-to-door trying to convince people that there is a god, these were two of the nicest kids I've ever encountered from it. I told them to go enjoy a walk on the beach& showed them how to get there because everyone in my town either already had a god or didn't want one. They were basically in a town of 0 converts. I'd love to know if they ended up taking my advice! I hope they did. They deserved a nice, relaxing day in the sun.

*I do not like Lady Gaga. I do, however, absolutely LOVE her new song You& I. I especially love that one part that goes like 'Sit back down where you belong in the corner bar with your high heels on'. Yeah. Good song. You should listen to it!

"Pray to God..

but row for the shore."
-Dr. Phil

[via]

I love this man. Sometimes I get frustrated because he got stupid as he needed more& more material to keep his episodes going but I still love him. I don't know why but most people seem to either hate or love him. I'm curious where most of the people who stumble across this blog land. So are you with me or against me when it comes to Dr. Phil?!

Obviously, we are love.

Where are you at now, Robin?!

He usually has some pretty decent guests .. his advice is pretty straight forward and I enjoy his general attitude of 'get over it'. I agree. It's usually not that big of a deal and if it is then work towards getting over it.

There should be nothing in your life hindering you that you aren't actively attempting to move beyond! Seriously. Rock on, Dr. Phil :) Although I'll admit I'm over Alexandra and her 15 kids with all different men. I really had faith in that family about 5 years ago when she first got preggers and they asked him for help. Seems like it didn't work. Sucks to be them .. they are HIGHLY dysfunctional.

Post-rapture wrap up

Well .. regardless of what happens now I can put on my resume that I survived my first official rapture! GO ME! And go all you blog readers who also weren't holy enough (or whatever) to be taken naked into the sky. Random note -why can't we take our underwear? If I'm going to be in a new place with all kind of people I don't know, I at least want my underwear.

Since I had escaped fate once already, I tempted it a second time by taking Dewey on his first trail ride. Couldn't have asked for better behavior. Man .. Jesus really wants to keep me alive. I, normally, would think this is a good thing but given the circumstances? He must REALLY want me to know I'm not making it to heaven no matter how hard I try to get myself there. Ugh. Jesus, you're such a jerk.

Also, post-rapture weather is very. cold. We needed mittens to ride outside. This is psycho. Some warmer weather would be greatly appreciated. Tomorrow is Hiking Day (or Queens Day or something if you don't live in my town) so in honor of that, allow me to present to you Classified.



Tried so hard to find the song where the lyrics go 'Northside ..where we all enjoy the hiking day!' but was futile. So, here is what it is like to live in the Maritimes. Enjoy :) How are you spending your long weekend?!

Still here, Jesus!

Jesus ..you missed me. I'm confused. I spent last night reading my bible and saying my prayers. I thought for sure that I was going to be on your good list?! I expected my ride this afternoon to look more like this:

Sorry Dewey. You're on your own.

Sucks to not be raptured, eh?

Instead, shockingly, I'm still here. As is everyone I know. Weird how that happens, eh? I'm thinking there is still hope for me. We still haven't had an earthquake .. Jesus probably just hadn't been able to land his plane in the fog on my island. Here's hoping the weather improves so that we can be raptured. Especially my dog. He definitely deserves to be chillin' in heaven.

So, were YOU raptured?! Are you writing your next blog post in heaven with some awesomely fast high speed and free movies?! Or, like me, are you still stuck on earth? Enjoy your day of judgment, ladies& gentlemen!

Edit- blogger FINALLY gave me back all my lost comments. I guess the rapture made them nervous too. Didn't want to go with unfinished business.

Going down?

I probably am.

My dog is sitting here crying at me .. I'm fairly certain he knows the end is near.

How are you spending your last few hours on earth? Obviously, I'm blogging and watching Say Yes to the Dress. Such a dedicated late night watcher of this show.

My girlfriend Meg trained for a 10k. Too bad it's on Sunday and she'll be dead. Or maybe she'll be hanging with Jesus. I don't know how she spends her Sunday mornings.


How are you spending your last day alive? So many options ..so little time. I hope you all write a blog post. What a fun train to hop on. I'm all about the bandwagon baby!

Funny Searches

As my blog continues to get hits& grow .. a strange thing is happening. I'm starting to get some bizarre google searches resulting in people finding my blog. It used to just be that when people searched halfpastwonderful or some variation on that, my blog would pop up!

Cool, eh? Well ..something cooler is that now I get some weird search results. I'm hoping these keep happening. Although I don't blog about anything super strange, so I'm assuming nothing too funny or scandalous will ever pop up :( The results for my google searches for the last week, however, have been mildly funny!

Now, sometimes I will type the google searches into google to see how early I come up. Some searches that have found me (rainbow bridesmaid dress, the very least could I or awolnation, for example) are sooo far off from the first page that I have NO idea what page it's on. For some, I've gone back about 11 pages and STILL not found myself. What the heck are those people looking for? Then, others (my blog name, rainbox tux or what would jesus do with his time) bring my website up on the FIRST PAGE of Google! Wow. I'm such a celebrity.

I certainly hope the person who found my site via that search got a satisfactory answer. Jesus spends his time running dating sites. Love Jesus? Need a date night? ChristianMingle is your go-to source for awesome. Okay, probably not the answer they were looking for ..but I hope they at least got a laugh from it :)

So, fellow bloggers .. what strange results have brought people to your site?!

TMI.

My breastfeeding post got a lot of hits. Actually, it got almost 550 page views. Here is some perspective on that:

*Taken April 28th

As you can see, compared to my next highest amount of page views, that is psycho. Also, whenever a breastfeeding site picks up my blog my views skyrocket. It's fabulous even though I know those folks are hatin' on me ..who cares?! I'm getting page views. I win, breastfeeding-photo-taking-facebook-posting-them mothers. I win. Why do I win?

Because I don't care that you think I'm awful for not finding your child attached to your nipple a special moment. I stand firm in that there are LOTS of special moments in life that don't need to be publicly documented.

People have commented that my post is not funny because there are several other items up for overshare awards. I don't get how picking a broad topic& narrowing it down to a specific example makes it less funny? It does, though.

So, in honor of all those photo-taking offended mommas? I am going to create a list of other things that no one cares about except you and an immediate group of friends or family (and honestly? They probably don't care either but are required to be polite. Unlike your facebook world). Buckle your seat belts, ladies& gents. This is gonna get wild.

1. Breastfeeding, obviously.

2. Excessive details / photos of medical procedures.

3. What is coming out of either end of your / your child's body.

4. Sonogram photos. NO ONE CARES.

5. Constant status updates. Not every thought is a gem, junior.

6. How much you drank / what stupid things you did while drinking.

7. Any kind of photo that exposes more skin that is appropriate for the situation.
7A. Bikini at the beach? Socially appropriate.
7B. Bikini at the church? Jesus hates your soul.

People have also commented that I am a huge hypocrite because I dislike oversharing, yet I have a blog. 'HOW CAN THE TWO COEXIST, YOU HORRIBLE HYPOCRITICAL MONSTER?!' is something I'm frequently (aka never) asked.

Allow me to give you some time to consider (if you've been reading my blog regularly) how much you know about me? Feel free to even look back through my posts. It's not very likely you're going to see photos of me dressed inappropriately, talking about gross bodily functions, etc..
So, to you people who are AMAZED that you can write something of substance and not overshare? I present to you -MY BLOG. It's a thing of wonder& amazement. It's sheer genius and you should bow before (aka follow) it. You should praise it in the Osannas (aka tweet it) and bask in the glory of my brilliance.

WWJD?

I know, What Would Jesus Do is SO old and cliche now. I'm not going to write a post about how when I make a decision I consider my godly side. Helllll no.

In this new day& age, WWJD no longer means that wimpy 'Please consult a Jesus-like thought process before moving forward with a life decision.' ...it means:

Who Would Jesus Do?

Provide me with a list of eligible ladies and I will provide you information on which would be the most Godly sex monkey.

You're welcome.

After all, Jesus doesn't have better things to do with his time. He spends his days giving divine inspiration to those men& women trying to wade through the scum of the dating pool and guide them to their true love.

I imagine that Jesus places himself in the centre of your dating pool ..picks the 8 most promising women .. and then looks up their church attendance, time spent reciting prayers, time spent kneeling (at the pew!! God.)& takes into absolutely no consideration what you want. We all know you just make it work, even if you hate each others guts. I have a helpful diagram of how the process looks at the start-

Normally, all this would take a lot of time. Thankfully, some Christians who know Jesus reallly, realllly well have taken all the work out of it! Wow. All you have to do now is sign up to their site (Christian Mingle) and you'll be rocking out with a Jesus-loving soul mate faster than you can say the rosary! I love their slogan -

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. - Psalms 37:4

So, I just hope you don't desire a psychotic murder who is forgiven nightly when you help him say his Hail Marys' or you know ..something else equally weird and strange. Here's to hoping you want a nice little stereotypical modest family.



God is saying 'The next move is yours. But choice right or I won't be giving my blessings to your rotten life.' Thanks, God!

Favorite things [1]

So .. I decided to do a post on a few of my favorite thingsssssss. I will dedicate this day (Wednesday) to things I love. It will have a clever name. I will call it Wicked Favorite Wednesdays.

That's right. I even made a button. Don't say I'm not THE BEST BLOGGER EVER.

So there we have it. My first thing that I have decided is totally awesome? Blue drinks. There is something to be said about the color blue, allow me to explain.
Blue is fabulous. It's the color of the ocean AND the sky. It's a universal color. That's so deep you don't even understand what it means (or at least -I don't). Blue is calm& cool -like me. Almost everyone likes some shade of the color blue -again, like me. Mostly everyone likes me at least sometime in their life. It might be short lived or it might be a lifetime of longing to be as cool& calm as me. I am the living embodiment of -no. Not Christ. Even better - BLUE!

Now, why are blue drinks the best? They are so pretty .. they are tropical .. they are delicious .. they get you hammered. Many a person (aka 4) have asked for my recipe for my 'blue drink'. It doesn't have a name, or I don't know it and am way too lazy to look it up.

I have graciously decided to take the time to write it out for you.

1. Take a glass.
2. Add as much vodka as you can without feeling ashamed*
3. Add some blue Bols
4. Add a drop of 7-Up to decrease the chances of being shipped to AA.
5. Enjoy.
*Blogger Warning: Amount you can add without shame increases greatly when either drinking or mixing alone. At least have your dog give you a withering stare. It helps. Trust me. Thanks, Squirt.


Here is a photo of the steps. Just call me the next Van Gogh.

Now you have the visual. Here are some shots of fancy blue drinks :)

What are some of YOUR favorite things?! Let's link up ..or whatever it is you do when you own a blog& make a button.

Happy Easter!

Fossil purses and chocolates and walks ..oh my! Hope your day is going as well as mine is.

Are your pets saved? They may end up thanking you.

Another day..

..another boring post! Garret& I painted some Easter eggs ..the day is closing in on us! Happy Good Friday, hope you didn't eat any meat :o Also, my blog will have a smattering of Jesus-themed photos to make up for any lack of real content!

Starting, obviously ..with this!

Yesterday my computer got an AWFUL virus that made it squeal like a pig. Can you say absolutely terrible? And also, in honor of Mary-Kate& Ashley, 'How rude!' It turned off all my anti-virus protection and installed all kinds of strange programs. Thankfully, my computer savvy uncle was home and had my beloved beast back up& running in no time! Fair warning: if your computer starts squealing like a pig, you're screwed. Had to do a system reset to get it back and lost everything I have done for the last week. Wah wah wahh.

Honest to God (pardon my pun), some things just never get old.

This is one of them.

So now there is a Lakers game on .. and I'm really much more interested in that than writing in this because I'm incredibly tired. I PROMISE to update tomorrow with something of substance. Pinkie promise.

Here, enjoy my new favorite music -Awolnation.
LOL. Except I can't embed any of their songs for some reason. So you'll have to click their name to get taken to the video (Sail!).

That Jesus ...such a sucker for technology.

So, with a promise of better content tomorrow (which may fall through. At this point we all know I'm not very good at keeping my blog promises. My apologies!) .. I am off to enjoy to rest of the Lakers game& perhaps some hollow Easter egg chocolate. I also had some peeps earlier. Mmm mm good.

What a joker! 

I wish he could guest blog for me :(

Oh& ps I will also have my photos of the day up tomorrow. If nothing else, I can promise that. Bye for now!

Sunny Monday!

Yes, folks .. the sun is shining! It is still very cold out there though, so it's not a completely spring day. Mittens& big coats are still a must if you're going to be outside for any length of time :( Oh well, cold& sunny is better than cold& rainy / snowy / cloudy.

Freakonomics
Last night, Momma& I curled up with the Mac to watched this movie. It was pretty good! It talked about parenting ..incentives ..crime rates ..choosing names &lots of cool information. Neat to see it from an economists view. I had always assumed they did nothing of interest for me, but I was wrong! I would definitely encourage watching it! We also had some peanut butter cups. YUM. Although, make sure you take off the wrappers first. Oops.

Eyebrows
So, this is an issue I've had forever. Probably because I weirdly notice eyebrows more than anyone else. I love good eyebrows and hate bad ones. I rotate between good& bad myself, so I'm not judging. It's hard to stay on top of those pesky things when you're busy. For a long time, I had really. bad. brows. I have conquered this. You should too. My main topic is this trend of over plucking. It started a long, long time ago back when I was a wee tenth grader. I noticed it then and am slowly re-noticing it. I really hope it isn't planning on taking over the world again :| Here is an example (cropped to protect the poor person who doesn't have strict enough facebook privacy settings):

Perpetual surprise?!

Please. Avoid this look at all costs. Thank you.

Weddings
So, all kinds of people all around me are either popping the question or saying yes to it. My mother is constantly amused by my aversion to all things wedding-related. Is anyone else in this age group (20 - 29) also amazed by the fact that people all around you (maybe even you) are growing up into adults?! Well this fact is one thing that always shocks me when my friends are tying the knot (ps, congrats all you guys!), there is another thing besides the sheer adult-like behavior. What, you ask?
THE PLANNING! Oh. my. god. It seems like it would be time consuming, exhausting and so not worth the energy& money. All of that effort for one day? Wowza. So, since my wedding would be so much different from a conventional wedding, I decided to show you guys how I would want mine to go. Don't get me wrong, I do want to get married. I would just prefer it not cost an arm& leg, involve lots of people looking at me and a lot of my time.

My wedding
So, here are the things that MY (because let us never forget, this blog is all about me!) wedding need:
1. A beautiful ring. Preferably from here. Nothing traditional. No plain white diamond for me. I like color!

2. Beautiful photos. I love beautiful photos (in case you couldn't tell) and I want some. Although I want them to be fun and funky. And not in a dress ..because I don't ever plan on wearing a white dress. Again, the whole color thing.

3. Elope. Yes, that is correct. I want to plan nothing. I'd love to wake up one morning ..get engaged ..get married a week or so later. I'm simple. I want to get married in skinny jeans& a cardigan. We can do photos another time. I don't need presents or money .. I don't need people to throw me all kinds of showers / parties. Which reminds me ..

Bachelor Parties
..you haven't been single since WELL before this party. Hence, my complete lack of understanding of these things. If someone can explain them to me, I'm willing to listen& try to understand. Overall, I think they are incredibly dumb, stupid and people who want them thrown tend to be obnoxious and overbearing. Sorry if that's you. This is a major pet peeve. And those stupid slogans:

My time to mingle, as it's my last night single 

Last fling, before the ring

One more night lets do it right

And others. Oh god, just kill me. So, moral of the story -I want to get married. I just want to elope with a beautiful ring, beautiful photo memories& someone who loves me lots! Since those are the only things that last longer than the days, anyway.

Photo of the Day
Okay, so longest post ever maybe? Sorry. I just had to get the eyebrow& wedding things out. Wedding turned into a rant, for which I apologize. I think it's all funny though. On that note, here is my photo of the day. It's jesus (I think?).

I hope you enjoy my day 60 photos. It's from yesterday. Perhaps later tonight, I will update with my photo from today :) Enjoy your Monday ..it could be worse, since it's almost over now!

Sunny Tuesdays!

Today was beautiful. It was sunny, it was considerably warmer than yesterday and I cleaned my entire car, inside& out! It is SO nice to have it sparkling when I drive it .. no more shame in owning in the dirty car LOL. Thanks, boyfriend for helping me and letting me use your car cleaning supplies :) You rock!

Before cleaning out my car, I embraced the day by wrapping my foot and hitting up the treadmill. It was excellent ..I pounded out 5 miles on hills with the sun from outside shining on my back. Almost made me think it was actually spring-like out! Oh, sunshine. You lift the cloak of anger and bitterness from me. Also, it stayed bright out until about 7.30! Hello, spring ahead. I love you almost as much as sunshine. Afterward, I had an Orange Julius and proceeded on my mission to clean the poor Civic. Then Margaret convinced me to play basketball ..which was interesting. On the bright side, I was the fastest person up the court! Thank you, many miles logged.

My post the other day (yesterday? I'm not really sure) mentioned that practically all magazines say there are 2 ways to have good hair; straighten it or artificially curl it. I don't really care, my curls rock& my boyfriend loves them. Or at least, he tells me he does and that's all that matters. The only thing that bothers me is that it makes it impossible to find cute ways to style curly hair. Seriously ..my hair is constantly the EXACT SAME. This bothers me from time to time.

Mostly because for 21 years of my life, I have NOT embraced the curl. Actually, I fought the curl with clothes irons, hair irons, serums, gels, creams.. hell I would have shot a unicorn if I thought it would give me what genetics didn't -- straight hair. It was painstaking work of straightening and praying to sweet baby Jesus there was no humidity, rain, clouds, anything that would destroy my highly time consuming straight hair.
And then, when disaster struck and it rained within 2000 miles of where I was standing and the curls started to creep up, first on my forehead and slowly all over, I would cry on the inside and wonder why they just couldn't cooperate. Yeah, I thought this until I was 21. Yeah, I know curls aren't really self-aware. No, it doesn't mean I didn't still hate them for it.

So then one day, I put down the creams, gels, irons and administered CPR to the unicorn. I sat down with trusty google and typed 'how to get gorgeous curls' and instead found a whole new lifestyle. I did a lot of reading .. a lot of practicing .. I learned all there was to learn about all the kinks and waves and curls and types 1 - 4B. Yeah, there are a LOT of different kinds of curl. Why oh why can some magazine not just show us girls who don't want to straighten our hair (or artificially curl it ..what's the point? It's already curly)?!
So my new mission = get curly hairstyles. Grow my curly hair out (shocker.) and try to help others make embracing their own hair easier on them!

On that note, I think I've done enough typing for the day. Now, my photo. Yes. I have it. Just call me awesome. I also even know what day I'm on. I spent this afternoon updating my Project 365. I am on day 41 as of today. I cannot believe I've kept it. Oh, and also that I still have over 300 days left. Really makes the year seem impossibly long!

Stay classy boys& girls :)
And let me know what you prefer ... curly or straight?!